I've been waiting for the bottom to fall out.
No, to say that I've been thinking that all was going to 'hell in a hand basket' any day now is false. In fact, I know things are good for me right now. Things are great for us right now. But I've realized that somewhere in my mind I've been anticipating the fall. The destruction. As backwards as it may sound, I entered into a relationship with the mentality that "if all does go to hell then I will survive." So, as much as I've denied it, to myself, I've been anticipating the destruction of all that is good, for me.
Here's what I've learned:
I got married far to young, for me. I had no idea who I was or what my purpose was on this earth. But, I loved. And, I loved hard. That is what I knew how to do, and that's what I was good at. I married a man who would seemingly move mountains for me, and I was as guilty as anyone of believing that. We had our troubles. Many of them. Hell, we dated 5 years before we were married, and I "knew" him inside and out, but didn't.
Then, there was this one day.
And, everything changed.
I will never forget that day.
To be completely honest, in hindsight, it wasn't that one day, it was many days before.
But there was this one day that I discovered the unthinkable.
He had lied.
He had been continuously lying to my family.
He had been continuously lying to me.
He was an addict.
He was a thief.
Never did I know he was taking pills. Never did I know he was sneaking into my parents house to slowly steal, one by one, every piece of my mother's jewelry. Never did I know that he was leaving the office and landing at the pawn shop with yet another of our family business' piece of equipment.
I believed him.
I believed what he said.
The excuses he made were my normal. They were what I believed.
I said vows to this man, before God and everyone that could hear me.
I meant them.
I tried to hold them true.
And, I was defeated.
I don't think I've let myself realize the destruction that he caused, in it's full magnitude. I have been more prideful in the survival than realizing the damage.
But, I did survive. As many people do. I kept on going, and by God, I was rewarded.
I have the most amazing daughter that I get the privilege of spending every day, and every tantrum, with.
A man has come into my life and given me the space to discover myself while supporting my every move. A man that has shown me what love can be.
And, I have my family who have shown, by example, what it means to be a family. They have shown me what it means to love, and what it means to be a parent, and sister, and brother in law, and grandparent, and aunt and uncle.
Because of that I survived.
And, because of her, and them, and my effort, I will continue to survive, and grow, and learn.
I was a fool to think that his actions would be forgotten. They will always be in the fabric that makes me, and the fabric that makes my daughter.
But, I am a fool to think that that fabric will define me, or her.